Anonymous asked: Hey girl, I just read your old post about keeping your relationship private. I just recently got out of a 2 yr relationship & my ex has been posting all these pictures of himself & of girls he's been hanging out with on his social media. I'm glad he's happy but it's still heartbreaking, even though I broke up with up him. How do you move on & stop looking? I feel like I'm holding myself back by checking out what he's up to but it's like I need to know? Thanks for always being inspiring to me!!

girl. (or boy… but i refer to boys and girls both as “girl.” recently anyway)

don’t i know alllllll about TMI on social networks. i could go on and on about exes doing despicable things on socials… but this isn’t about me. it’s about you.

first of all, break ups suck. always. but sometimes you need to do what’s really best for you - even if it doesn’t feel like it’s the best thing - and that’s distancing yourself from the person you’re breaking up with. regardless of whether or not you want to stay friends with the person you’re breaking up with, that doesn’t mean you need to stay connected via socials.

i’d say delete him. from facebook/instagram/twitter/everything. when you’re still following him it’s too tempting to check up on him, and more than likely he’s posting those photos with the intention of YOU seeing them. if you guys are really down to be friends then you can stay in touch the normal way. via phone. the hard part will be wondering what he’s doing that you don’t know.. but it’s really better for you not to know. have a good friend of yours delete/block him for you. or if you think it’s too easy to turn off the block, maybe give up socials for a little bit and let a good friend change your passwords for you.

focus on yourself and do things that make you happy/distract you in a healthy way. self improvement is a great way to redirect your focus. maybe try taking a class in something that you’ve always found interesting. try a new class at the gym that you’ve never been drawn to before (i just did this and was very impressed with how much i enjoyed it). spend time with good friends. make new friends. let yourself splurge a little. write about your feelings. sometimes it’s good to have an outlet that can’t give advice. it’s when you’re happiest and not looking for a partner that you will find someone that suits you best. but for now, focus on yourself and getting yourself to a happy place. put yourself first. and part of doing that is not lurking his socials for the things he may or may not be posting about rebound girls. plus doesn’t everyone know how awful rebounds (almost) always turn out? totally not healthy.

it’s definitely hard not to want to look (EVERYONE, including me, is guilty of this), but you know it isn’t what you need.

i hope this helps answer your question! stay strong my love. and let me know how it goes.

xx

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Anonymous asked: Have you tried cocaine? Thoughts on it, if you have.

I do not condone the use of cocaine in any way, shape, or form.

I have seen friends of mine ruin their lives because of it. I’ve sat up with someone thinking they were going to die from doing too much, and being completely terrified because they wouldn’t let me call 911 to get help for them because they were too paranoid about the drugs in their system and what it would mean to their family if they found out.

Some people are able to use cocaine in small amounts, infrequently. Many cannot maintain such control. Why bother testing yourself to see if you’re one of the former?

I think there are far better ways to waste your money than snorting it up your nose. So much money for so little product that can have such a huge impact on your life.

In the end I can’t be as open minded about this drug as I am with some others. This may seem hypocritical but, as I stated, I have my reasons. I implore you to use caution if you’re steadfast in your desire to try cocaine. Get it from a trustworthy source, and monitor your doses. Or better yet, save that money and take yourself out for a massage or delicious meal. I guarantee that memory will better serve you in the long run.

Best,

J

“i live my life with no regrets”

I am ALL for indulgence; but find the following proclamation so frustrating:

“I live my life with no regrets.”

Translated, that really means:
“I refuse to imagine that anything I have ever done could have been done better. I don’t give a shit if I’ve hurt other people, broken hearts, crushed your dreams or failed you miserably… because what matters most is that I live a life that precludes self-reflection.”

If you have no regrets, you have no catalyst for change.

Every day, we fuck up. And even though I run far far away in my attempt to evade responsibility (and frequently take an unseemly amount of time to admit my fuckups);

Only with regret can you ever actuate self-improvement.

on overpublicizing your relationship.

In this day and age our lives have been over-publicized through medians like Facebook, Myspace, blogs, instagram, and of course Twitter. Being addicted to text messaging means we hardly ever feel the need to pick up the phone and call each other. Since social networking has become so influential, whatever your career is, be it music, fashion, acting, etc, you are now forced into exposing yourself to your peers to solidify your long-term success and popularity (albums don’t sell themselves). Holding onto the little privacy we do retain, we have to remain in control of the small details we can. One of the most important aspects that we are able to keep private are our relationships. It’s beyond tasteless when relationships are over publicized (Hi Kim!!!) and begs to ask the question, how real are these relationships?

If you have ever been in a relationship then you know the most important thing is to nurture and protect it. Its not a surprise that when we accomplish something, and post a photo or status to show our peers that we are happy, get psyched over the pricey shoes or outfit we allowed ourselves to buy, and so on; we are also opening the door to all those who want to see us fail. When you post things like that it’s easy for people to make assumptions and judge you on your character, your depth, and your personality. How much value does a relationship have when its aired out for all to see? A relationship is like a baby; you must care for the baby, protect, and cherish the baby in order for it to grow healthy and strong. By no means should you exploit the baby like some crazy pageant mom.

Constantly flaunting your love like a new pair of Louboutins or an expensive purse inevitably cheapens your bond. Are you posting that “I love you” on your man’s Facebook wall because you are so in love, or because you want everyone to see how tight you are? Are you trying to show how cute you guys are by posting that photo of you making out on the train, or are you trying to lay claim to him?

If the best things in life are free, and they are the best because they are yours and only yours to place a value on, then wouldn’t exploiting them diminish their value completely?

things to remember when you’re in a relationship.

Remember your friends. Friendship is not a vase you can stick in a corner and dust off when you’re ready to use it—it’s a live thing that must be cared for, nourished. Whether you’re in a relationship for the next few months or the rest of your life, your friendships are important and necessary. They will keep you from spinning out of control in ways that your relationship can’t. Don’t neglect them or take advantage of them.

Don’t neglect or take advantage of your partner, either. Remember that they are a person with a family, a dream, a past. Let them be human and make the mistakes you’re both bound to repeat over and over again. Pick your battles. Let them have a bad day at work. Let them call you when they’re drunk. Let them pursue what’s important to them, even when it doesn’t include you.

Pursue what’s important to you. Remember that you’re an individual; that your personal success matters. Have something other than ‘Really awesome girlfriend! :D’ on your resume. Take pride in something. Keep tucked away in the back of your mind that, should there be a breakup, your partner will not be able to take custody of the things you’ve accomplished.

Remember to keep your balance. Remember that your friendships and your family and your job and your alone-time predate your relationship. Consider the ebb and flow of your life: sometimes one thing may need to take precedence for a stretch of time, but it’s up to you to maintain equilibrium when possible. Be fair when divvying up your time—to others, and definitely to yourself.

Take care of your body. Biology doesn’t brake for monogamous relationships. Go to the doctor. Protect yourself. Proceed with caution.

Take care of your mind. If you’re hoping the relationship will fix your broken parts, look forward to being disappointed. No matter how many years you spend with someone, you’re still the sole proprietor of your happiness. Don’t sit around waiting for someone to change how you feel about yourself or your situation.

Notice the way your partner treats people: friends, colleagues, waitstaff. You’re probably getting them at their best, but if you’re appalled by their worst, remember that you might one day find yourself getting the brunt of it. Remember that you are not immune to anything.

You can’t control the course of your relationship or the actions of your partner, but remember that you’re welcome to exercise free will and make the changes you find necessary. If you’re not happy, leave. Someone loved you once and someone will love you again.

Remember that someone loves you. Maybe it’s one or both of your parents, maybe it’s your friends, maybe it’s your partner. If it’s all three, consider yourself lucky. Remember to love back. 

If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP. They will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love.

this is such a very true statement.

Anonymous asked: got any tips for a girl who's feeling blah/emotionless lately? have you ever been in a funk? you seem so content, how do you stay happy?

hello lovely.

it’s funny you ask, i actually am VERY prone to being in a funk/feeling listless/getting deeply sad out of nowhere, for no apparent reason (well there usually is a reason, but it could simply be a memory, or a sad story that affects my overall mood..). i think i have too much empathy. but that is neither here nor there

my tips are to focus on yourself. figure out what exactly is bringing you down (are you lonely? is it school? are your friends bringing you down? etc) and try to alleviate the issue. i try to look at every day as a clean slate. i decide that the day is going to be a good one, and revel in the small moments of happiness that occur during the day. appreciating the little things is a great way to lift your attitude when you’re feeling down. working out is a great way to boost endorphins and feel better about yourself as well.

when i’m really in a funk i tend to spend money that i shouldn’t. retail therapy.. but i don’t advise doing that. when i’m really upset i generally go to my mother’s house and play with the dog and play guitar and write about how shitty i feel. it’s very therapeutic. i think being able to vent exactly how you’re feeling via music or writing or art or any kind of creative outlet is an excellent way to cope.

i guess this is pretty general, but i feel like when i’m feeling down and someone is trying to tell me how to be happy i usually feel like kicking them in the face with a sharp shoe on.. i don’t want you to feel that way though. and if you feel like you would like some more in depth tips feel free to ask, i seem to have a lot to say.

i’m sorry you’re down and i hope you feel better soon. and like i always say.. the times are hard in the winter, but when the weather gets warmer, they’ll get easier.

xx

on intimacy.

things i’ve learned from the internet: when to stop.

i.e. if you’re in a relationship don’t spew your feelings all over the internet in the heat of the moment because firstly, it is immature; secondly, it is THE INTERNET AND ANYTHING YOU POST CAN AND MAY BE USED AGAINST YOU; thirdly, it makes you look bitter and crazy and i guarantee no one wants to be with a crazy person who spews their feelings all over all of their social networks (or even just one..)

i could probably go on about this for a while. but i guess the moral of the story is to please keep the intimate details of your relationship/s just as they are. INTIMATE DETAILS. aka no one should know them but you and the person you are intimate with.

aka, why do you have so many feelings… and why are they ALL over the internet?

“Take Heed! Be very careful who you sleep with and have sex with! Humans harbor negative or positive energy in them, one more then the other! A person releases either negative or positive energy, matter, and life in you during the release of sex. KNOW WHO YOUR SLEEPING WITH!!”

the most amazing facebook wall post i’ve seen in a very long time.